i am always thinking of logan. and constantly missing sean. and feeling like im lost. or breaking down over nothing. not taking my medication. trying to be strong and content with everything. every regret. decision. look in the mirror. i dont think ive ever been so low in all the years ive been so unhappy with myself.

ive accomplished so much to not care about any of it anymore. ive worked so hard and wasted so much time.

All I can tell myself is I'm not meant to be loved. I repeat constantly in my mind. And I have no clue what to do about it. I hate myself and my life. All my decisions that have got me back here to unhappiness. I dont know how to stop what I do wrong. I can't manage to consistently help myself in hopes of some balance. I just dig my hole deeper and it builds and builds till I breakdown again.

And when I'm this low, I can't help but think of all the ways to leave this world. How to get rid of my paperwork, artwork and what to leave with who.

I dont get how my greatest aspiration is love and how I fuck it up everytime. I had every hope, emotion, dream banking on logan. To fuck it up. To be stupid. To be me.

This depression wont lift. I dont know what to do to make things better. I think I need a change, a big one. i dont feel like my place in this place is important to anything around me. I'm stuck.

I can't save any of my money because I spend it on stuff in hopes of being happy, when in everyway im not. i cry almost everyday still and all i think about is logan. i just dont know what to do, i dont know how to fix this.

help me

I want to die. I dont know how many times I've said this or thought it. Yet over the seven years I've done nothing about it really. Yea I've finally got depression medicine but its doing nothing. Nothing at all. I want to kill myself, I've thought it out enough times in my head, imagining all the possible ways. I've been so lost for so long that I dont know where to start to make it all better. Yet have the motivation to get myself there. I thought I could handle this downward swirl again. I had stop crying, I started getting over it, I started a lot. For it to vanish, to seem like it never happened. To go back to breaking down and crying daily. To missing him, to hating myself for various reasons, to being blown off by friends, or not included because my situation sucks. Just to feel down right not cared about at all even though I know some of them do. I dont know what to do. Help.

I just want to not exsist.

I feel like everything is going downhill again. Like I can't make any progress toward being happy. I don't want to fake happy anymore or force myself to go out and do shit when I really rather sit in my room. And I dont know what to fucking do. And its not like I have a ton of stress from school or work. So I dont know why I'm back to crying almost everyday. These pills no longer help and I still have no motivation to help myself and go back to the doctors. And for some reason I still let every single thing my mom says to me get to me. And all I want to do is run to him, in hopes of feeling better. I miss him so much.

I want everything to be better but I dont know what to do.

I hate my life. Nothing makes it feel better, not a thing.

Tonight I went to "An Evening with Kevin Smith" with Logan, I could of been okay without going. Because now I just feel sad. I want to cry and that sucks. Logan makes me feel unintelligent. Which I know I am in some ways but just being around him makes me feel that way even more because I make my flaws in that realm noticeable.

Sometimes I wish he was dead. But I know thats mean. And sometimes I feel bad about thinking it afterward.

I don't want to exist anymore so much. Everything makes me unhappy. Or I'm just unhappy always, nothing makes me happy anymore. Not the medicine I have to take. I'm fucking lost, I don't know what to do anymore.

I hate myself so much.

I truly can't fucking wait till school starts Tuesday! I get to be back in my realm of quietness. Not like I haven't already been drifting that way anyway.

Tonight I had a really nice time with Mason. Red Apple and then Alberts for some pool. I won twice!

I hope my creative writing class is sweet. That'll probably decide my thoughts on going for an english major instead of bachelors in graphic design.

I really dont have fucking anything to say anymore in this stupid journal. I dont know why I bother writing in it.

Fuck my life.
Fuck it all.

I thought I was doing so well till you had to fuck it up again. Or maybe its just all my fucking fault. I made the first move ya know. But your half awake bullshit excuse.

I want to down the entire bottle of my medicine in hopes of feeling better but I know that'll just put me in the hospital, possibly where I need to be.

Fucking awesome night! I met April, she is killer. I already love her. haha

Got more hours at work for the day, walked around the mall with Leah and April, went to Ashleys sucked at pool. :) Went to Shannons. Had soooo much fun. I really did. Jello shots, Fruits Loop drink, actual Pops cereal. Other than Leah, Dan, Stevo, April and Shannon saw... Shawn! Seth, Adam B., Terry, Jolene plus more. Amazing night for a bonfire. I absolutely love my friends.


Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooodddddddddddddddddddddd Night.

I guess Katie and my mother are right. If he loved or cared about our friendship he'd do something about it. I thought things were going okay, but I really don't know anymore.

I asked him if he still loved me at all. He said what kind of question is that.

I'm super stupid.






so dumb.

Visited the doctors today, pretty scary. I'm glad its over. I have to go back in two weeks. Tonight I spent my night with Mason at the Red Apple and watching the fifth Harry Potter movie. I'll probably end up taking him to see the new one, if he doesn't go with his girlfriend. I want to see it again.


Friday Tomorrow/Today depending on the way you look at it... is going to be full of crap that I didn't do these last two days. I need to get new paper for my portfolio. Call more vets. Return paper I bought from Office Max. Learn more flash. Fix a frame and repaint it. Paint and felt the laptop stand I got from Mike. And I think that may be it. I think once I learn flash, I can make myself a website I'm proud of. Thank you torrent downloads.